Husband has no self-confidence

[berber_wife 90]

Husband has been here for a year, but hasn't been working yet, first due to no being legally able to, then do to my health situation and our desire to move out of state. We currently live with my parents in FL. We had been planning to move to NYC, where I was living before my health issues started. We are both looking for jobs at the moment, although I still have contacts (my old employers) up in NYC.

Husband worked in tourism in Morocco - I would say in a semi-professional environment. He has a degree from an accrediated college. He has intermediate web design skills and speaks multiple languages (French, Arabic, Spanish and Italian) fluently or at least relatively well. His spoken English is good, although people have a hard time understanding him when he speaks fast and he tends to get flustered on the phone. His written English and reading comprehension is not so good.

He's convinced that he's not qualified for anything but minimum-wage jobs! Or he'll decide he needs to go to trucking school and become a long-haul truck driver because someone told him it pays well. I know his choices are somewhat limited because of his reading/writing issues, but there's still options that are not minimum wage and won't keep him on the road for months at a time. But it seems like he's already decided that because he wasn't born here, those options are already closed to him and he won't even try.

I feel stuck because we want to move out of my parent's house and put this whole ugly chapter with my health behind us and start anew. But he doesn't want to move without a job because he's scared of the cost of living/not being able to find anything. But he's also not applying for jobs within his skill set because he's afraid he's not qualified.

Has anyone had this problem? How do we move past it?

[Boiler 43,391]

Is this a 4 year degree? What was the subject?

[aaron2020 11,651]

Hi,

Nothing wrong with a minimum wage job until he gets something he wants. Lots of people have to start over when they move to America. They will lose status and face by taking a lesser job. However, one must accept that one will not be in the same status at home as in America. Little fish in a little pond is the shizzz, but little fish in a big pond is not.

Go back to school. Get new skills. Get reaccreditted in his field.

There are lots of opportunities. Isn't that why he's here? No one can guarantee success in America. Only opportunities. Opportunities starts with applying for jobs. If he doesn't apply, then he has no hope of succeeding.

Best of luck.

[Moustafa/Crystal 65]

Have him enroll in classes for Englsih Language Learners at the local community college. Take him to get some career counsleing at the local opportunity center. There is nothing wrong with starting at a minimum wage job or being a truck driver. A job is a job. He has to start somewhere,

[berber_wife 90]

Nothing wrong with a minimum wage job. The problem is he won't move if he has one (scared of not being able to pay the rent) but also isn't applying for better-paying jobs. Thus, we are stuck.

[visaqueries 111]

My husband was in tourism in Egypt. He applied for a position in a hotel (front desk clerk) and has been able to work his way into several positions within the company. He felt it was a nice starting fit with his previous experience with tourism.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

You need to help him get some self belief. When I first moved to the US I had some really awkward phone interviews (my phone manner is awful) and it took me nearly 3 months to find a job. During that time I kept telling myself that nobody would want me and like your husband I didn't apply for some jobs because I thought they wouldn't want me because I had no US job experience. My wife worked hard every day convincing me that I was great and that I'd be a success and she even did loads of research to help me find sectors that I'd fit well into. Thanks to her support I kept trying and eventually found a contract role that has transitioned to a permanent role and is proving much better than I expected.

My advice would be to help him believe in himself and help him find roles that he would be able to do and help him with the application process. Good luck!

[Moustafa/Crystal 65]

Your husband is right. You should not move until you have sufficient income to live on your own. He is also right that he might not be ready for a job at that same level in America that he had in Morocco. Despite Americans' poor opinion about our own education system, other countries actually prefer it over others. He should takes some classes. Having a minimum wage job is better than no job. Start small and save everything you can. This is not a sprint to the finish...it is a trip that will last the rest of your life. There is no magic pill. Hard work is the answer.

[Darnell 8,478]

any mosque nearby? Is he Muslim? if yes to both, have him sit down with an Imam - they are usually well connected in the area and know of many job openings.

Florida has a huge tourism industry - with a modicum of internet searching, he can find the big companies within a 50 mile radius, and start pitching resumes. But note most of the 'open jobs' online won't be what he's qualified to do - he'll have to dig a bit, use internet and telephone.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Darnell

[berber_wife 90]

Hotter Otter, thank you for the perspective of a spouse. I recognize some of that with myself when I had just graduated college. I felt woefully inadequete and I had no idea what to do with my life. I knew I had to apply for jobs but I just would stare at a blank screen because I didn't to know where to begin. It's an awful place to be in so I sympathize. It's just hard when I sit down and make a list with him of his skills, achievements, etc and he doesn't seem to think any of it's relevant.

I don't know. Maybe I'm vastly overestimating the type of job he can get. But I taught ESL classes for immigrants and most of them had little education and poor English. And they were working. I thought his multiple languages would come in handy for finding a job. Maybe he does need to work as a dishwasher or something first. But I'd rather be poorer and living somewhere where we can pursue our dreams than continuing to live with my parents in a small town with fewer opportunities.

And on the mosque thing: he identifies as Muslim but doesn't go to mosque. He never went in Morocco either, except during Ramadan. It's never something he's shown interest in.

Also, there's reasons I would prefer to get out of FL and move to NYC. For one, my contacts and jobs in my field are in NYC. Two, there's so many more classes/schools/programs etc in NYC. For example, there's lots of medical interpretation courses there. I've found only one in FL so far. Also, if we stay here, we'll have to buy a car and that will be a major expense. There's more options for medical care for me in NYC. In FL we'd be stuck in the Tampa area for at least six months. And I know it's not a race but I'm scared of losing time. Immigration and cancer took a year out of our lives. He's 32 and I'll be 30 soon. I just feel like if we make any big moves we have to do it nownownow, you know?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

You yourself said that his written English is not good, so, obviously that is a huge hindrance to a lot of career choices. I hope he has spent the last year working on that. I know my husband took a remedial English composition class before taking regular college level composition to refine his writing skills.

As I am sure you are aware, the cost of living in NYC is high, very high. Unless either of you is going to be getting a good job (or preferably both), you really need to think about that. There are other cities with public transportation with a lower cost of living. A car will be a fraction of your living expenses compared to rent in New York.

I don't want to burst your bubble at all, but he'll probably need some additional schooling, at the very least in English, and perhaps in a new field to enter a career path beyond that sort of entry level labor. There is no shame in the entry level labor as my husband up until recently was working in the 12-14/hr retail and labor markets. He's just about finished with a new trade education and has work lined up for the finish at a higher pay with the union setting the pay rates for each year thereafter. A huge help to him has been being completely fluent in English, both verbal and non-verbal. I'd say after almost 2 years in America, he's got a native level grasp of the language and its idiomatic expressions as well, but he's put effort into that.

Edited February 9, 2015 by N-o-l-a

[msbau764 245]

Hotter Otter, thank you for the perspective of a spouse. I recognize some of that with myself when I had just graduated college. I felt woefully inadequete and I had no idea what to do with my life. I knew I had to apply for jobs but I just would stare at a blank screen because I didn't to know where to begin. It's an awful place to be in so I sympathize. It's just hard when I sit down and make a list with him of his skills, achievements, etc and he doesn't seem to think any of it's relevant.

I don't know. Maybe I'm vastly overestimating the type of job he can get. But I taught ESL classes for immigrants and most of them had little education and poor English. And they were working. I thought his multiple languages would come in handy for finding a job. Maybe he does need to work as a dishwasher or something first. But I'd rather be poorer and living somewhere where we can pursue our dreams than continuing to live with my parents in a small town with fewer opportunities.

And on the mosque thing: he identifies as Muslim but doesn't go to mosque. He never went in Morocco either, except during Ramadan. It's never something he's shown interest in.

Also, there's reasons I would prefer to get out of FL and move to NYC. For one, my contacts and jobs in my field are in NYC. Two, there's so many more classes/schools/programs etc in NYC. For example, there's lots of medical interpretation courses there. I've found only one in FL so far. Also, if we stay here, we'll have to buy a car and that will be a major expense. There's more options for medical care for me in NYC. In FL we'd be stuck in the Tampa area for at least six months. And I know it's not a race but I'm scared of losing time. Immigration and cancer took a year out of our lives. He's 32 and I'll be 30 soon. I just feel like if we make any big moves we have to do it nownownow, you know?

I understand wanting to live in NY but if he is concerned about rent he will be in for a shocker when he sees how much it costs to live in a box in New York City.

[ExPatty 502]

I would never, ever live in NYC or near it unless I had a lot of money. Rent is stupid or you'll end up commuting too far. But, I've never understood the love affair with big cities, despite having visited many.

Not sure you said what his degree is in. I presume for multiple languages if he is good enough at any of them he can get a certification affirming such. This would separate him from people who say they "know" Spanish, but maybe don't.

Even poorly educated people can work for far more than minimum if they find the right profession. Honestly there is no reason for a grown adult to be doing a minimum wage job, at least not long term.

Trucking isn't a bad idea and pays okay but it's hellacious hours and not something I think a person wants to do long term.

[Jawaree 717]

Seem he is not integrating well in another country

couple that with an environment he would have been

baby/ed by family & spouse, but still king of the castle

may very well be his hold-back....easily satisfied.

Nothing wrong with him starting at the bottom with

minimum wage...remember NYC is farrr more expensive

in living exoencss, a basement is $1200 & up mthly,

jobs takes awhile to come by and you both have to be

working to manage...living with parents long-term can

ruin a marriage

[wendi_adouama 0]

Perhaps he could get a job teaching one of the foreign languages he speaks...if he has a bachelor's degree.
There's tons of jobs between what he wants and minimum wage that he could get if he opened his mind a little.

He should also find a community of Moroccans (or North Africans) where you live that could help him network and connect him with work opportunities.

My sister's husband (came to America from Nigeria with only $20 in his pocket) did EVERYTHING (washed cars at a gas station, screened-in porches, freelance photography, etc) until he settled on a job at a car dealership. He's been working there for years now and has worked his way up to making $100k+ a year. Oh, and he doesn't have a degree of any kind! He's just a go-getter!