Is he ever going to change?

[Annie123 6]

My husband has a drinking problem, a problem I knew nothing about til I got here. He can't seem to go a few days without drinking til he passes out. We're not talking about a drink or two, we're talking about several 17 oz glasses of heavy alcohol. We've had so many discussions and arguments about that. He says he will stop and then I find bottles of alcohol hidden in the apartment or in his car. He says he's too stressed at work and I understand that but alcohol isn't the solution. I've suggested so many things he can do or we can do together instead of drinking to release his stress and at that moment he agrees but then he comes home from work and doesn't want to do anything. The second I turn my head away, he pours himself a drink. We tried to make rules about what days he should get drinks and what days he should stay away from alcohol but it didn't work. Weekends seem to be the highlight of his week because that's when he can drink. He managed to not drink behind my back for 3 days total and even that I'm not sure about.

I begged him to seek professional help, he doesn't want to. He says he wants to change but that he can do it on his own, which is not true.

I don't know what to do... Should I involve someone from his family? I still haven't met any of his friends and I haven't made any friends yet so I really have no one to talk to. It's so exhausting, it's ruining our marriage and I don't know how much longer I can take it. And it's also a huge burden on our finances...

Is he ever going to change?

Any advice is more than welcome

[Darnell 8,478]

walk with him into the local AA meeting, together, the next time he is home.

you can find local meetings easily online - search google with 'Alcoholics Anonymous <your city name or zip code>'

There's more to it, but that's the first step. Not take the first step? All behavior repeated. Still, it's not a guaranteed cure, but if this first step not taken, is not a good path for resolution.

[Annie123 6]

Thank you for the reply and advice Darnell.

I told him he can't do this on his own and even with me being invested as much as possible because this requires professional help. He won't go to see a doctor, he won't go to AA meetings. He says AA meetings are religios ####### which couldn't be more wrong. He's just finding excuses... He says he'll talk to a friend who's been through this and managed to quit on his own but I'm not so sure about that, I don't even know that person.

walk with him into the local AA meeting, together, the next time he is home.

you can find local meetings easily online - search google with 'Alcoholics Anonymous <your city name or zip code>'

There's more to it, but that's the first step. Not take the first step? All behavior repeated. Still, it's not a guaranteed cure, but if this first step not taken, is not a good path for resolution.

[landr 126]

Given this new information, your other thread now makes a lot more sense and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Yes, I think you need to involve his family. You and he won't be able to do this on your own without any help.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

In addition to the alcoholics anonymous meetings for him, there are al-alon meetings for family of alcoholics. The people there have been through what you are going through and can help you sort through the pain. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

He will not change without help. Good luck to you.

[Illiria 980]

The 12 step program they use requires that you give yourself up to a higher power or you cannot hope to give up drinking. This is probably what he is referring to.

It is steps 2 and 3.

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/what-is-aa

Was he drinking after you came in on the k1 but before you got married? I only ask as sometime alcoholics can hide or even stop sometimes to hide it in order to get someone to stay.

I hope you and he can get help, as harpa suggests it would be good to try and get support for yourself even if he refuses to help himself.

Edited July 21, 2014 by Illiria

[Annie123 6]

Landr, I'm afraid that's what I'll have to do but I don't think he'll ever forgive me. It's for his own good so I don't care if he forgives me or not.

Harpa, he won't go to any kind of meetings and I can't go by myself or make him come with me because I don't drive yet and I'm stuck at the apartment all the time.

Illiria, I guess that's what he was talking about. He's agnostic but believes there's something out there, some higher power and maybe he could focus on that?

He did drink before we got married but not to this extent and it was only after we got married that I found out he's drinking behind my back or in the car so I can't see him.

I feel like he's ruined my life and not to mention the name calling and all the insults whether he's drunk or not.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Annie, I read on the al-anon website that they have virtual meetings online too. It's a support group for people affected by someone else's drinking. It would be for you, in the meantime until he gets help, not for him.

For AA, the program requires that people accept that some higher power exists, but it can be anything, god, fate, science, voodoo.

[Annie123 6]

Thank you!

I'll be joining al-anon and I can only hope that he'll do what he needs to do in order to save his health and this marriage.

Annie, I read on the al-anon website that they have virtual meetings online too. It's a support group for people affected by someone else's drinking. It would be for you, in the meantime until he gets help, not for him.

For AA, the program requires that people accept that some higher power exists, but it can be anything, god, fate, science, voodoo.

[Ed and Gina 45]

You're absolutely right...he will not be able to quit on his own. Aside from AA, there are alcoholic treatment centers but, he has to be willing to go.

Another option is intervention.

It's very unfortunate that you have to endure this.

Alcoholism is a "disease." I have no idea how old your husband is - chances are - he's been drinking for quite a long time. As other's have said, no, he's not likely to stop. Most have to hit bottom before they come to terms with it and, even then, many continue the downward spiral.

Abusive language and demeaning remarks are intolerable enough. I just hope that he isn't physically abusive. It sounds as though you're wise enough to know what to do should something like that happen.

Wishing you the very best! Do take care to try to manage your affairs if things don't work out.

Ingat!

[Sandra G. 5,016]

He has to seek treatment.There is no cure for alcoholism.Alcoholic people will be forever in alcoholism recovery process, and they can become sober 10/20/30 years or forever. It does not exist in the AA program how to decrease the consume of alcohol, the person needs to have 100% alcohol abstinence when attending the program, and for the rest of his/her life, otherwise the 12 steps will not work at all.Good luck

[Sirliner 26]

You've been given some good advice here. I can only add that having gone through a similar experience many years ago the bottom line is ultimately you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Sad to say, but I tried for 10 years and finally ended up in divorce. Not saying it will happen in your situation. Best to prepare for any and all possibilities. Best of luck.

[derrickmichille 55]

He will not change unless he is ready to change no matter what you or anybody say or do. Try everything, give it your all, and when and only when you had enough, then you the ball is in your court. A marriage takes both people involvement to work, if he is not willing to do his part and his drinking is destroying the marriage then you have to decide what is next step.

I have been through this, and after 3 years of a very abusive and very stressful marriage, I decided that it was best for me and my 3 month old son to get out.

Best choice I have ever made in my life I can't go into details, but let's just say I saved me and my son's life.

In a marriage you do all you can do for your spouse, I mean you try everything under the sun to help them, but if they are not willing to do their part or not willing to get help and change, then the ball is in your court.

Good luck to you and remember shower him with love and do your best to get him help, but keep in mind if he doesn't want help or show signs of trying to get help and keep saying he will but doesn't then you yourself decided what is best for you.

Alcoholism is a very serious disease and requires very serious treatment.

I wish you the best!!!

Edited July 21, 2014 by derrickmichille

[S_R 148]

Why can't some men take up exercise or charity work to alleviate their so call stress? Alcohol isn't worth destroying your health and making the woman who loves you miserable...just saying.

[subwayguy 100]

As a man, I can tell you that no woman (or man , or rarely there is ) could just change mens behaviour. Many believe their love and caring would somehow work like a magic wand and just Change their spouse to the ideal person. WRONG!

quitting alcohol is like quitting drugs or losing weight, your husband needs to realise his problems and himself needs to be determined to change his behaviour. I understand how tough it is for you, but until he changes, there is nothing you could do. And please do not get families involved, it will only irritate him and make him hate you.